I asked my son where he learned a chemistry experiment. What he said shocked me.

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I asked my son where he learned a chemistry experiment. What he said shocked me.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two sons, “Elliot” and “David”, ages 6 and 4, respectively. The other day Elliot asked me to retrieve some of his father’s chemistry equipment. He didn’t want to do anything dangerous with it, just show his younger brother how to make precipitates. It was a cute little demonstration, and afterwards when we were cleaning up, I asked Elliot if my husband taught him how to do that. There was a flash of anger in his little face.

He said “How can he teach me anything if he’s never around?”

My husband, “Harold,” is a good man, but he’s got a relatively junior position in an overworked government department and he’s very heavily burdened, frequently getting home at midnight or later. I knew his career trajectory when I was dating and married him, and it should get better in 3-4 years. I was (and still am) fine with that. But it’s not just the two of us anymore, and this has me really alarmed.

I can handle my budding little chemist. But I don’t want any permanent rift to form between my children and my husband, and it looks like one is already there. I don’t know how to fix something like this, and the notion “it will get better in several years” is a tough pill to swallow when 3-4 years is most of your life already. What can I do here?

—Almost Single Mom

Dear Almost Single,

I would imagine that your husband has been working this demanding schedule without much conversation with your sons about his frequent absences. The two of you need to explain to your boys why Daddy isn’t around very much, that your household needs require that he works long hours, and that these circumstances are not a reflection on how much he cares about his family. It will be difficult for the kids to understand, but they need to hear it. Your husband also has to work on making his limited time with the children as meaningful as possible; he needs to create rituals that are only for them and to be consistent with carrying them out. This may mean that when he’s tired, he has to push through and make those moments count. Figure out ways for your husband to connect with the kids from a distance; he can check in by FaceTime or by texting selfies during his work day. Your son resents his dad’s absence because he believes it’s abnormal; let him know that there are families in which both parents work long hours and the children are left to the care of others. Hopefully, by increasing the quality of the time he does get with the kids, your husband will bring your son some semblance of peace.

—Jamilah

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